*shouting from the void*
Hi! It’s me! Did you miss me? Do you even remember me? Are you made at me for abandoning you during the most disappointingly wet summer on record?
I know I’ve been gone a while. And look, I’ll admit – I wanted to come back after Glastonbury but tbh there’s been so much Going On since then that I didn’t really know where to start. So I sort of just… left you all to it? Sorry!! What can I say? Even gossip girls need a break sometimes. Plus, I spent most of July furiously refreshing my browsers to secure Eras Tour tickets which frankly left little time for scouring Twitter for good goss. Again: sorry but I feel like you all get it.
I trust you’re all well and truly up to speed on the biggest gossip of the past two months but in case you’re not, in no particular order, here’s a reminder: Barbie came out, everyone went on strike, Sofia Vergara and her husband broke up, Love On Tour finally ended, Taylor and Matty “broke up”, Molly-Mae and Tommy got engaged, Kourtney and Travis are having a baby, Jennifer Lawrence has made a comeback, Britney’s writing a book, The Idol was a shitshow, Samantha Jones is going to make a little cameo on And Just Like That, and everyone in America thinks Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are gonna get divorced. Whew! Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the present day.
First up, it’s our darling Gwynnie, the recently-minted queen of knitwear and of the internet’s hearts; our long-term unrelatable icon. This week, Gwyneth and Airbnb are offering one lucky person the chance to spend the night at her Montecito mansion. That’s right!! For no discernible reason beyond I guess promoting Goop (?? But also fair enough! All that bone broth isn’t gonna buy itself!), Gwyneth has listed her “beautiful little guesthouse” on Airbnb, available for one night only. Whoever bags the booking will not only get to use as many Goop products as they want, but they will also get to have *dinner* with Goop herself! Unfortunately her husband, “Brad”, will also be there, but it’s a small sacrifice to pay for an audience with one of the last true Hollywood celebrities. Jury’s out on whether the whole experience will help cure the loneliness epidemic, per the copy in Gwynnie’s paid Instagram post, but who cares! I’m offering a paid guest edition of Emotional Speculation to whoever ends up doing it. Please all of you put the word out to make this happen.
Next, briefly, I must turn your attention to Ed Sheeran. When not singing his little songs Ed continues to behave like a little boy who has Freaky Fridayed with a Suffolk-dwelling feudal lord. Not content with buying up every pub, farm and plot of land around his house, Ed has recently completed construction of his very own chapel – complete with private burial chamber! – in the grounds of what has regrettably been dubbed ‘Sheeranville’ (which also includes a football pitch and a lot of ?? underground tunnels??). Apparently, a major reason for its construction was so that Ed’s famous pals have a place they can “retreat for contemplation, prayer and relaxation, to meet celebrate and meditate in peace and safety from disturbance when they visit”. What a pillar of Christian spirit! It’s just a shame he doesn’t extend the same magnanimity to his actual neighbours, whose desires to make their gardens bigger he likes to object to on the grounds they might ruin the countryside. Even Grammy winners aren’t immune from NIMBYism it seems.
And from one male British pop star to another – it’s (duh!) Harry Styles, and his David Hockney portrait. Which is… well, let’s just say it doesn’t really look anything like Harry Styles. In fact, in Poppy’s words, “it looks like Rylan Clark in a cardigan”. And Poppy works in art, so she knows! Anyway, Hockney didn’t actually know who Harry was when he walked in (“He was just another person who came to the studio”), which perhaps goes some way to explain the likeness (or lackthereof). For his part, true to his “just happy to be here” form, Harry doesn’t seem to be too bothered about his portrayal in the image, and is just thrilled to be painted by one of our most celebrated living artists. Bless him.
(Anyone who thought I would write about Harry’s new tattoo and whether it says Olivia or not: all I have to say on the matter is it surely does say Olivia and it’s very obviously after his famous ex girlfriend Olivia Wilde and not his sister’s cat???)
Finally, to the biggest news of the past couple of weeks: that of Ariana Grande, her split with Dalton Gomez, and her rumoured new relationship with her Wicked co-star, Ethan Slater. A lot going on here!!! All of it very, very messy!! Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like there are any winners in this situation: terrible press for Ari, heartbreaking for Ethan’s wife Lily and their literal newborn baby, and a very dark cloud for the Wicked movie to sit under before its even finished filming. Do we know any of it is actually true?? Maybe not, but Lily damningly referring to Ari as “not a girl’s girl” to the actual Daily Mail does speak volumes. As far as I’m concerned, both these gals deserve more than an alleged philanderer best known for playing an animate sponge on stage, but what do I know? I just write ‘em like I see ‘em.
I think I’ll leave it there for now. Until next time – which I promise will *not* be two months from now – I hope you enjoyed dipping your toes back into the gossipy waters. As ever, this has been Emotional Speculation, and thanks for reading.
xoxo