Happy March, dear readers!
Can’t quite believe we made it to this point, can you? Pretty soon the leaves will be on the trees and your friends will be asking if anyone’s around for a lil tin in the park after work... so close I can almost taste it!
Anyway, until then, let’s get cracking with this week’s update. Regretfully, the first item on the agenda is whatever’s going on with Selena Gomez, Hailey Bieber and Kylie Jenner. Genuinely don’t want to spend much time on this because it’s achingly dull, but I don’t make the news! And also, now that Jordan Woods, ex-communicated member of the Kardashian-Jenner close circle, has “got involved” - in as much as one can get involved in something this banal - it’s a little juicier, I suppose. But wait! I’m jumping ahead. Let’s recap. If you’re somehow unfamiliar with the backstory, Selena and Justin Bieber dated forever back in the early 2010s. At that point, Hailey, a noted Belieber, was simply a young Baldwin with a dream. Then at some point Justin in the mid-2010s started dating Hailey, proving to teen girls everywhere that your fan fiction dreams can come true if your dad’s part of a Hollywood dynasty. HOWEVER, they broke up pretty quickly, leading JB and SG to get back together for a couple of years, before breaking up for good in 2018. That same year Justin got back together with Hailey and very quickly they got married. It was a lot! Also, not directly relevant but important to mention that they’re all part of the same really big church that was huge amongst the celeb youth at that time. Because of all the to-ing and fro-ing, everyone made out that Selena and Hailey were mortal enemies, conveniently getting Justin lost in the discourse.
Cut to today and the assumed bad blood between the two of them has taken on a life of its own, with the Stans going full FBI on each girl’s social media output. If rumours are to be belie(b)ed, all of the following is happening at once:
Selena and Hailey are making petty swipes on Tiktok about everything from their laminated brows to their make up brands
Kylie Jenner, longtime friend of Hailey, is making fun of Selena too
Selena’s for some reason talking about some old Taylor Swift drama
The aforementioned Jordyn Woods - scorned former bestie to Kylie - has said she likes using Rare Beauty (Selena’s brand) - take from that what you will.
Can I be bothered to explain more? Honestly, not really. What is happening in the world, that this is what gossip has come to! What happened to the good old days of Team Jolie and Team Aniston t-shirts? I don’t want elaborate adverts for mid-tier celebrity concealers. I want drama!!
For real though, I wish them all the best and hope for everyone’s sake - not least, ours - that they all move on from Justin Bieber. In the meantime, I suggest Hailey take a leaf out of Selena’s book and dip from social media for a while, if only to give the stans a break.
Next up we’ve got Shawn Mendes, another Canadian singer, who has been spotted out and about with Sabrina Carpenter, the blonde woman Olivia Rodrigo sang about in Driver’s Licence. This is the first person he’s publicly dated since Camila Cabello if you don’t count those rumours about his 51 year old doctor (which we probably won’t). It’s early days yet, so not much to remark upon except the insignificant height difference between the two of them! I hope they have good chiropractors on hand if they move to first base.
On a somewhat related note, news came out this week that Dua Lipa has a new boyfriend! Since her split from Anwar Hadid - after which,it seems, Anwar kept both the dog and the goats - our girl Dua has been busy touring the world, writing 4 lines for her newsletter every week, and occasionally kissing Trevor Noah, who is surely deeply saddened to hear this news. The new Mr Dua Lipa is Romain Gavras, the French-Greek son of an Academy Award-winning Greek national treasure. Romain has himself directed a couple of music vids and so now can call himself a filmmaker in the Guardian. Nepo babies - the same the world over! Anyway, he previously dated Rita Ora, the prototype Kosovan/British hottie, thus fully closing the circle between Dua and Rita, whose parents are from the same city and granddads were pals back in the day. I guess the world truly is v small when you are hot, rich and European.
And finally, before I wrap up: it’s not quite celebrity gossip, but nevertheless a word must be said on the images that have been coming out of the And Just Like That... season 2 filming. Carrie back with Aidan? Notorious anti-smoker Aidan with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth at all times?? And the final nail in the coffin: Sam Smith guest starring on the show??! I’m bitterly, bitterly disappointed in the direction this reboot is heading. All I have to say is Samantha would never have let any of this happen.
And for those who are just dying to know having read previous editions: Tommy Fury won his fight against Jake Paul, dedicating the win to baby Bambi; Avril Lavigne is unfortunately still dating Tyga, and Angela Bassett referenced Ariana de Bose’s BAFTAs rap in her SAG acceptance speech, thus solidifying its place in the pop culture canon.
Well, I think we can leave it here for now. Thanks for reading another issue of Emotional Speculation - and aren’t you proud I got through this one without mentioning H*rry St*les?
And! If you shared this with your friends last week, thanks also, because I got some nice new subscribers.
Ok that’s really it now. Have good weeks!!
Xoxo