Morning friends! If you can believe it, it’s now February! The days are slightly longer and the sun is definitely maybe peaking through the clouds for a little longer each afternoon. In short, it’s all coming up millhouse.
Unbelievable amount of stuff to get through today, so I’ll get straight to it, although first I feel compelled to draw your attention to Emotional Speculation’s minor rebrand. We now have a logo! Do you like it? I made it on Apple Pages because I am both a woman in STEM and a member of the metropolitan creative elite. Naturally, I’m available for any and all of your graphic design enquiries going forward :)
Anyway, enough of that. Let’s dive in. Biggest news this week is that Molly-Mae and Tommy Fury had their baby! And after months of guesswork as to what her unusual name will be, it’s official: she’s called Bambi (I mean… duh!)! However, the whole thing has been somewhat overshadowed by the fact that news of little Bambi’s birth was leaked some days ago… by Youtube personality/apparent boxer Jake Paul? Truly hate that this is not the first time I’ve been forced to write about a Paul brother in this newsletter, but if famous people insist on keeping this sort of company I’m left with no choice.
The eagle-eyed Molly-Mae stans amongst you (GG) suspected she had given birth nearly two weeks ago due to her notable absence from Instagram, but it wasn’t confirmed until Monday night, when the pair engaged in the time-honoured tradition of the the joint instagram post to officially announce the arrival of their bundle of joy. Here at camp Emotional Speculation there was concern they’d go for the phrase de riguer amongst our friends across the pond, ‘baby has joined us earthside’, but thankfully they abstained in favour of a classic birthdate/little white heart/black and white photo combo. Phew!
But what’s Jake Paul got to do with it, I hear you ask? Well, you’ll remember that alongside being Molly-Mae’s boyfriend Tommy Fury is a boxer, brother of Tyson (a more prominent boxer) and son of John (also a boxer! and, from what I can glean from the internet, a boxing momager of sorts?). Tommy has been set to fight Jake Paul for some time, I think, and apparently part of boxing is that each side engages in some good ol’ fashioned trash talk in the run up to the fight. Basically it’s a little like a cheerleader movie only even more homoerotic. So, last week whilst doing his bit on Instagram, Jake wrote a call-to-arms that could honestly work as a Rupi Kaur poem if it had a few more line breaks:
“Fumbles [this is his nickname for Tommy] has no excuses now. Baby is born. Money is massive. Immigration is not an issue. […] Tyson Fury has promised he and Papa John will make Tommy retire from boxing and change his last name forever if he can’t beat the Youtuber. Saturday I’m coming to London to look all three Fury’s in the eye and shake on that promise.”
The problem with this, obviously, is that neither Tommy nor Molly-Mae nor Molly-Mae’s sinister manager Fran had mentioned anything about the baby being born at this point, so that’s the only part of the post the media latched onto. Regretfully, Molly and Tommy’s aforementioned birthdate announcement ended up confirming that Jake Paul was correct in his post and that at that point, the baby was indeed born. Anyway, Jake Paul aside, congratulations are in order for the Princess of Hale on the arrival of her heiress, Bambi, who already has a custom neon light fixture in her bedroom at the tender age of 8 days old.
A brief stopover in Jedward town on our way to the next item on the agenda, because I’m frankly a little in awe at the staying power of those X Factor twins. Over the weekend they made headlines for being at the same restaurant as none other than bona fide Hollywood celebrity Tom Cruise (!!). I’ll admit I have wondered whether a recent admission into the church of scientology was responsible for their meteoric rise in popularity, which would also explain the Tom Cruise thing, but then I realised they were just at Gemma Collins’ birthday party, and Tom Cruise was there too by happy accident. Onwards!
Only one word for it… Jepic!
Slightly old news at this point, but I do need to devote some column inches to Shakira and the strawberry jam. What a perfect little story that was: rotten boyfriend! Vengeful pop star! Rooney levels of detective work employed to prove the misdemeanour! To recap, Shakira has recently released a single addressing her former boyfriend of 11 years’ cheating, which she apparently uncovered after returning home from a work trip to find her strawberry jam all but gone. She knew her boyfriend didn’t like strawberry jam, so she deduced that someone else who did had been in the house and eating it whilst she was away - and she was right. Obviously very bleak, but undeniably brilliant of Shakira, who can now add jam to her list of her things that don’t lie (debated whether to include this little pun, think it might be “a bit much”, but this newsletter does not have an editor so it’s staying in, for better or worse!).
Also kind of old news but again - can’t let another issue go by without mention of the Madonna biopic, which was officially shelved last week in favour of a world tour. which means the absolutely unhinged bootcamp that Madonna put Hollywood’s brightest, blondest, most ambitious starlets through this time last year was all for nothing! Madonna made Florence Pugh and Julia Garner go head to head in an all-singing, all-dancing tiered competition run by *actual Janet Jackson’s tour trainer* - and for what?! All we can ask for is that someone lifts the lid on the whole thing in a Fyre fest-esque documentary so we can get the real scoop. It’s frankly crucial at this point.
Lastly, more baby news, this time from La La Land, as Meghan Trainor and her husband, Juni Rocket Racer Rebel Cortez from Spy Kids, have announced they are expecting their second child together. Not being a “Meghan Trainor’s music” kind of gal I wouldn’t usually include this news here, but I’m quite charmed by this unexpected couple and even more so by their bespectacled toddler! Plus I do begrudgingly respect Ms Trainor for recognising that her role in the pop landscape is to steadily churn out distinctly average music and do the odd bit of voice acting for the Smurfs. Someone has to do it, and it sure as hell isn’t gonna be, like, Rihanna!
We’ve covered a lot of ground, so let’s leave it there for now. As ever, please do come to me with your thoughts, burning or passing, on this week’s news items, and until next time, thanks for reading Emotional Speculation!
xoxo
P.S. You can now follow me on Instagram, if you feel so inclined, because I created a new one where I can continue to gossip freely!
So glad to see women in stem infiltrating the gossip space, smashing through that sateen ceiling. Truly a momentous day for women everywhere.