gleek out

gossip as praxis annoying music girl edition

Hello, Emotional Speculation fan club, and Happy September to all of you!

Even though I am a famous summer stan and longtime advocate of the abolishment of the clocks “going back”, I have to say I’m feeling weirdly optimistic about autumn creeping in. The summer was long and really depleted my bank account, also, the gossip was like not that good for most of it? I’m hoping with the changing of the seasons comes a much-needed injection of JUICE into celebrities’ lives. Until that time comes though, here’s what we’re working with.

First up, you guessed it: Leonardo di Caprio, a man who is pushing 50, has broken up with his young girlfriend, mere days after she turned 25! None of us are surprised, of course, but still it’s oddly disheartening to collectively be proved right. I also say he broke up with her, but we actually don’t know the ins-and-outs - she could’ve done the dumping (although if we consult the data, it seems likely he pulled the trigger). Either way, the uncoupling has spawned a slew of near-identical jokes on the internet about Leo’s inability to recognise anything over the age of 25.

“the data”

This man really is the living embodiment of that old adage (I think it’s from Batman): “you either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”. Remember when he was just hot and good at acting? Remember, even, when he was a little less hot but still good at acting AND cared about the environment? It’s a crying shame that Gen Z and their younger counterparts have never really known any Leo other than this creepy uncle version. Of course he has only himself to blame, but I do mourn the loss of yet another of the Great Hot Men of our youth. At least we still have Keanu Reeves!

One thing that I feel gets lost in amongst all the “25” discourse is that every woman he has dated since Gisele looks like a drawn-from-memory version of her, which it’s impossible to unsee once you realise it. Wondering if there’s someone on his payroll whose job it is to seek these women out so he can attempt to right the wrongs that led to the demise of that relationship, like some sort of sad, glitzy children’s fable? If so, they’re due a raise, as according to the Daily Mail they’ve already found another 22 year old lookalike - although for her sake I hope this is merely a profile-raising exercise and she isn’t shackled to Leo for the foreseeable. Thoughts and prayers!

Other big news is that Taylor Swift has found time in her busy scheduling between polluting the planet and wearing bad outfits to record a whole new 13 track album! She announced the news during her surprise appearance the VMAs last week, and as a reluctant Swiftie I have to say I’m looking forward to it.

If the album artwork is anything to go by, ‘Midnights’ will be closer in sound to her last two albums than any of the music that made her a household name, which, as a total folklore-head, I’m not mad about! I do have to laugh at this artwork though, as anyone else who spent a lot of time on Tumblr in 2011 can surely understand. Who amongst us didn’t reblog a gif or two or three of a hot girl with a smoky eye flickering a lighter on and off? Who didn’t attempt to lean *heavily* into the tortured party girl aesthetic whilst actually being a big ol’ nerd sat at your computer at 2am? It was all sooo earnest but also sooo full of yearning, which is, of course, Taylor Swift’s whole brand, so it’s very on point, even if this particular brand of indie girl is far from her usual comfort zone.

It’s giving Cassie from Skins cosplay

On that note, I can’t help but remember that line in We Are Never Getting Back Together about her paramour’s “indie record that’s much cooler than mine”… as we know, Taylor is not one to let something go, and I wonder if this is her attempt to get back at ?? John Mayer (can someone confirm if that’s who that song was about? I took a stab in the dark) by penning an inevitably much more successful - if not cooler - indie record? I guess we’ll have to wait until October 29th to know for sure, but honestly, I wouldn’t put it past her! That girl loves a long game, god bless her. And we all love to watch along!!

Finally, let’s turn our attention to my favourite conspiracy theory that’s been making headlines recently: that Lea Michele, of Glee fame, can’t read. This is the kind of deliciously banal, inconsequential nonsense that absolutely sets my heart on fire. Honestly, as many of you know, I love nothing more than a really long bit, and Lea Michele not being able to read is one of the internet’s best and longest-standing bits!

Like all good bits, I actually can’t remember how this one came about, and I don’t care to research it now in case it makes it lose some of its sheen, so instead I’ll do a quick runthrough of why, exactly, it’s broken into the mainstream media recently. As any musical theatre fan/Gleek/perennially online person will know (I am neither of the former but of course am the latter), Lea has recently been cast in the Broadway revival of Funny Girl in the role of Fanny Brice, which had previously only been played by the legendary Barbra Streisand. So far, so musical theatre, but the whole production has been absolutely riddled with mess which is where it gets interesting. The TLDR is that Lea Michele is canonically absolutely obsessed with this part, to the point that her character on Glee was as well, and everyone knew she was GUNNING for it when the revival was announced. However, at that point, her reputation was kinda tanking because her former Glee castmates said she was a real dick by all accounts, so the part went to Beanie Feldstein instead. But when the play opened, Beanie received terrible - terrible - reviews. Disaster! The producers didn’t know what to do! Eventually, they decided Fanny had to be recast, and Beanie left the show in July, way earlier than her run was supposed to end. Enter: Lea Michele, who had allegedly been wining and dining the producers hard ever since those first bad Beanie reviews came in. There’s no business like show business eh?

Anyway, Lea is now finally about to start her run and she’s doing a lot of press around it, as is expected, and she for some reason decided to talk about the Lea-can’t-read thing in an interview with the New York Times:

“I went to ‘Glee’ every single day; I knew my lines every single day,” she said. “And then there’s a rumor online that I can’t read or write? It’s sad. It really is. I think often if I were a man, a lot of this wouldn’t be the case.”

I am absolutely obsessed with this, naturally. Not only does she absolutely not need to “address” this “rumour”, but if we’re gonna be pedantic about it (which, of course we are), she didn’t even say that she really can read! She just said she knew all her lines, and then tried to bring sexism into it. Chaotic! Totally unnecessary behaviour! But also complete gold headline fodder: “Lea Michele addresses rumours she can’t read: ‘It’s sad. It really is.” has been flying around everywhere. Gorgeous!!

<3 long live the internet

I don’t care about musical theatre, so I have no real interest in following this story anymore than I already have, but I do hope the conspiracy theory lives on the internet forever and grows stronger with time because it has brought me - and countless others - joy. And if I were Lea, I’d take some solace in that.

That’s all for this time, folks. Have beautiful weekends, and thanks - as ever - for reading. This has been Emotional Speculation!

xoxo