Good morning, dear readers,
This one’s short and sweet, and I think you all know what this edition is going to be about.
I mean, you knew it was coming, right? I’ve been quiet lately, but I’d hardly let something as monumental as Harry Styles doing a Delilah on himself take place without marking the occasion in this here newsletter. Many of you have asked for this, and I’m nothing if not in service to you all. So let’s get right to it, shall we? Let’s talk about that newly bald head.
When the rumours started, they were just that: rumours. So what, there was that grainy picture posted to Deuxmoi? None of us could say for sure that that head was shaved, or that that side profile was even Harry. And yeah, the candid snaps kept coming, but we didn’t have anything… concrete just yet. For my part, I was going to wait until we had the hard launch from the man himself before forming any opinions. I’m delusional measured like that. But then. There I was, brushing my teeth late one night and absent-mindedly scrolling Instagram, when I saw it. A cute, brown jumper. A dark background. An unnervingly full moustache… so far, so Harry, but for one crucial difference. Those famous curls, the locks that launched a thousand fan fics, really had been shorn right off. I mean, talk about a jumpscare! I nearly choked on my Colgate.
OK, let me get one thing clear before I continue: even with the number 1, he still has it. Like, he still Looks Good. So on a micro level, it’s not a big deal. But on a macro level - by which I mean, for all fans of pop music and residents of the internet - this is huge. Christ, the TikToks I’ve seen about this. Many of the Harries are - and I cannot stress this enough - not coping with this well. I imagine this is what it was like for the Swifties when Taylor Swift debuted the 1989 bob, just pure, unfiltered carnage on the TL for days on end.
Now, Harry’s reasons for shaving his very famous hair away are, of course, his and his alone, but allow me to put forward some options:
he heard that new 1989 vault track about him growing his hair long
he’s transforming his look ahead of his next album cycle, like the main pop girl he is
he just wants to blend in with the other 20-something male residents of North East London
he watched the Beckham doc and thought “yes. i could do that, too.”
he watched the Robbie Williams doc and also thought “yes. i could do that, too.”
he’s going to Turkey for a Wayne Rooney special
If I were a betting gal, my money would be on the last one: the ol’ pre hair transplant shearing. I mean, you saw how everyone reacted when they thought he was wearing a wig last year (and if you didn’t, lucky you). I’d imagine he wants to give himself a little while longer with a passable hairline to avoid that sort of chaos for as long as possible. Looking forward to the inevitable, illegal-feeling pap shots of that bald little head clandestinely boarding a plane in a couple weeks’ time! Until then, please enjoy this homage to the Harry Styles hair clip: Gone, but not forgotten.
What else has been happening in celebville, I hear you asking? I mean, I’m going to level with you… nothing that’s really grabbed my attention, except that Dua Lipa is BACK with a banger, thank God. But I will do my duty and bring you up to speed on the rest of the headlines: the strike ended (hooray!!), Halloween came and went with no notable celeb costumes (boo!!), Timothee Chalamet impersonated Troye Sivan on SNL (a glitch in the twink matrix), Channing Tatum and Zoe Kravitz are getting hitched (cute!) and Jamie Lynn Spears is on I’m a Celeb (grim). Some corners of the internet are excited about Aubrey Plaza and Patti LuPone living together in New York to do a play, and if that’s you, I’m thrilled for you, but unfortunately I’m not able to join you on that one.
In Kardashian Land, Kim got made Man of the Year (inevitable), Kourtney and Travis have indeed named their child Rocky Thirteen Barker, North West eats onions raw like apples, Tristan Thompson continues to be The Worst, and Kim’s hairdresser Chris Appleton is divorcing White Lotus actor Lukas Gage just 6 months after their wedding, if you can believe it. I know I can’t.
Let’s hope there’ll be something actually super juicy coming our way soon - but until then, I’d like to leave you with some unearthed tweets from 2010/2011. Penned by the current Mr Taylor Swift and newly appointed president of Himbo Nation, Travis Kelce, these are a delightful relic of a simpler time online. Obviously, having old tweets resurface is something most people in the public eye live in fear of, wiping all traces of their former digital selves as a precaution. But not this man! This gentle giant sat down with his PR team one day to have a look at his digital footprint and said I stand by it all; leave it be. And to that I can only respond: fair enough! And also: Taylor, I kind of get it now! He seems sweet!
Please enjoy this small selection, screenshotted because I can’t figure out how to embed tweets in this thing even after all this time.
That’s it for now, my luvs. I’ll be back soon, but until then, thanks - as ever - for reading Emotional Speculation, and please do tell your pals to subscribe if you think they’d be on board.
xoxo