Gather round, ye children! Welcome to this bumper edition of Emotional Speculation - the last of 2023 – which is a round up of the best pop culture moments of 2023. So quiet up, and listen down, and settle in for a real last-working-day-of-the-year treat.
IN MEMORIAM
You may remember that last year we did a “discourses I’m glad we sat out” section. I’m slightly mixing up the formula this year, because I feel like honestly we weighed in on everything - except, perhaps, those two American TV presenters having an affair and their partners then starting to date each other, which, tbh, maybe we should have weighed in on. And the This Morning drama this side of the pond. And the…. Anyway, I digress. The point is, I want to dedicate the top half of this newsletter to something a bit more longform and serious. I’m talking, of course, about my homage to one of the greatest shows of all time, which finished this year after seven glorious, maddening seasons: Riverdale. Those of you who follow me on Instagram may recall me promising/threatening a 2000 word piece on the genius that was this show. Fear not, lads, I don’t have the energy at this point in the year to do exactly that, but I do need to spend some time on this, so here we go. (You can skip this part if you care about spoilers and want to watch this show).
I started watching Riverdale six years ago. Alex and I binge watched all of season one, and at first it was a sweet, silly, sometimes sexy drama about a core group of teens (Archie, Betty, Veronica and Jughead) and their frenemies (Cheryl, Reggie, Kevin, Josie) in a small northeastern town. Some point in season one, it shifted, and suddenly we were dealing with a much darker show where the parents were the Big Bad that our teen heroes had to battle in between homework and snogging each other. It was brilliant! So unexpected! Still silly, but genuinely quite gripping! And still not such a far cry from the teen dramas of yore (hello, Bart Bass??). And then. And then! You’ve all probably read about some of what happens next, or at least seen the memes. Season on season, the show got ever more deranged, with our heroes (now including Cheryl and her girlfriend Toni Topaz, who joined the ranks of Genuine Main Characters sort of mid-series) facing ever more perilous and otherworldly terrors. In no particular order, here are some of the crazy things that happened in this show:
Archie gets thrown into prison and is forced to join an illegal fighting ring
Archie gets attacked by a bear
Veronica’s dad, a fully grown adult, spends like 3 seasons trying to kill his nemesis, Archie, a child
Betty is told she has the “serial killer gene”, a real, scientific thing
Jughead finds himself embroiled in a near scene-for-scene retelling of The Secret History involving some nefarious prep school students called Brad Weston Wallis and Donna Sweett (perfection!!!!)
Kevin becomes a card-carrying member of an organ harvesting cult, lead by Chad Michael Murray playing a man called Edgar Evernever
Veronica, a 16-year-old, runs a speakeasy nightclub in the basement of Pop’s diner
A murderous nerd game called Gryphons and Gargoyles sweeps the town, with people living in fear of the “Gargoyle King”
Jughead (our narrator) finds himself in a parallel universe where the only way to keep the real Riverdale from blowing into smithereens is to bury himself away in an underground bunker, writing stories about the town (meta!!!!)
They all develop superpowers in order to defeat Percival Pickens, a fascist British man who sold his soul to the literal devil
The show’s final season is set in the 1950s, and ends with Betty, Veronica, Archie and Jughead spending their senior year in a harmoniously polyamorous relationship with each other, having saved their town from becoming the dark, twisted place we’d seen for the past 6 seasons
Archie goes off to fight in an unspecified war whilst Veronica becomes the “shewolf of Wall Street”
So yes, obviously the show is unhinged. But it was so full-hearted in its madness; so completely committed to being insane, to keeping its viewers on their toes every second of airtime lest they miss some crucial, batshit detail. And the cast gave honestly incredible performances, making every ludicrous line sound not only credible but right. And - this part’s important - Riverdale was never actually supposed to be a teen drama in the traditional sense. It’s a COMIC BOOK series. It’s like if marvel was about teenagers! It’s the sister show to Sabrina the Teenage Witch! When you conceptualise it that way, all of the above sort of makes sense, right?
TBH, I don’t even care if it makes sense or not. I tuned into that show week in, week out, for 6 whole years post-season 1 binge. I loved those characters (apart from Archie, who drove me nuts). I loved their mental lines, and I loved that minute to minute I had literally no idea what might happen next. I loved its outrageousness, and how much shit the cast talked about it for a while, and then how much they came to care about it. I loved it, and I miss it, and I’m sad that now, firmly in the streaming era, we will never again get a show with a 24-episode season about teenagers (deranged or not). RIP Riverdale, you were a camp masterpiece right to the very end, when Grandma Betty enters Pop’s diner, having Passed On as an old, happy lady, and everyone else stands up to welcome her like the final scene in Titanic.
As readers of the last edition of Emotional Speculation will know, Riverdale alum Charles Melton is currently having a ~moment~. Since I last wrote, you’ve likely all seen the clip of his interview with Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore, which went wondrously viral after the interviewer asked the ladies if they’d ever watched Riverdale. Well, as an extra special Christmas treat for the Emotional Speculation community, I’ve reached out to the interviewer - who just so happens to be my esteemed former editor Sam Prance - to talk us through how he masterminded the moment:
“When someone asks you if want five minutes with Julianne Moore, Natalie Portman and Charles Melton with an hour’s notice, you can’t say no – even if you’re the type of person who usually likes to spend extensive hours researching and preparing for an interview. Five minutes isn’t a lot of time to discuss a film in depth with a cast, so my team and I decided to keep my questions focused on the trio’s relationships with each other.
It was beautiful to see in person how much Julianne and Natalie admire Charles’ talent and vice versa. With so much May December press avoiding mentioning Riverdale, I thought it would be good to ask Charles what it was like to go from that show to this film. It was very sweet to see that he clearly still admires all the work that went into Riverdale and spoke about it with a lot of fondness. I genuinely think the entire main cast of that series is great and deserves to take on more significant roles. If you can commit to a storyline about The Gargoyle King and sell it, you’re doing something right.
I also thought I’d shoot my shot and find out if Natalie and Julianne had ever watched Riverdale. One thing I’ve learned doing press is actors like to laugh so it’s good to sometimes catch them off guard with something they haven’t been asked. As you may now know, Natalie and Julianne haven’t watched Riverdale and seemingly have no intention to. And while that may be a great loss - they will never get to experience the epic highs and lows of high school football - it’s testament to the fact that there are already many people who now know Charles Melton outside of Riverdale. His legacy is still being written and I can’t wait to see what’s next.”
Thank you, dear Sam, for gifting us all with a lovely pop culture gem and shining a light on the fertile ground for hot young talent that was Riverdale. We appreciate you!!!!
***
Thanks for indulging me in that, dear readers, and congratulations: you’ve now made it to the main event! Without further ado, here’s the best pop culture moments of 2023. Enjoy!
THE RUNNERS UP
Can you even remember anything that happened in pop culture this year? Frankly, I’m not sure I can, but luckily, as is now tradition, some of my core readers are here to help us out. Let’s get into it, shall we?
Prince Harry’s todger / Elizabeth Arden’s “press is press” moment
I’d hoped to stay away from the Prince Harry discourse forever, but I actually can’t not mention this, if only to offer some solidarity to the Emotional Speculation community. Whomst amongst us *wasn’t* scarred by the leaked audio of SPARE, Prince Harry’s ‘bombshell’ memoir in which he mentions his bits not once, not twice, not even thrice, but FIFTEEN times? Who *doesn’t* want to seek compensation from PRH and/or TikTok for having heard the Duke of Sussex say the word todger? Hearing HRH evoke the memory of Princess Diana as he described putting Eight Hour Cream in places Ms Arden never imagined it would ever go really set the tone for an insane year. Obviously, no winners at all in this apart from Elizabeth Arden, whose sales went up by 60% following the book’s publication. All publicity is good publicity, I guess.
Poppy Trivedi’s take: Gooping through the snow
“Pop culture moment of the year has to be Gwyneth leaving the court room saying to the man who had tried unsuccessfully to sue her over a 2016 skiing accident “I wish you well”. Four words, twelve letters. Our goopy gal knew she had it in the bag from the get go, and this closing line, along with her counter suing for the total price of $1, cemented her position as absolute queen of “you can’t mess with me”. The whole spectacle was something from the theatre of the absurd and one can only hope that one day Gwyneth has the last laugh and brings out a line of Goop Ski Wear ⛷️”
Selena Gomez in the blanket
Every so often an image or video comes along that just sets the internet on fire. You know the kind: Poot Lovato. Chrissy Teigen at the Oscars. John Travolta saying Adel Dazeem. And 2023’s addition to the canon came in August, in the form of Selena Gomez wrapped in a comically large blanket, staring pensively in the distance, silly sequined bag sitting pretty on the table next to her. What is she so deep in thought about! Why did she post this pic! Why is it such versatile meme fodder when it’s literally just Selena Gomez in a blanket! We’ll never know, but we, the citizens of the internet, are grateful to Selena for her service.
The Eras Era, and all that came with it
Obviously I couldn’t write about 2023 without writing about Taylor, who has without question dominated pop culture discourse all year round. I don’t really need to say much about her because I write about her like every other week - seriously, just scroll through the archive - so instead, I thought I’d zoom in on one particular element of the Eras Era: Travis Kelce, her new boyfriend who Taylor herself called “metal as hell” (try and picture Taylor Swift saying that without at least smirking).
For this part I’m passing the mic to Emotional Speculation’s token straight male subscriber, Tom Hawkins, to explain to us once and for all who Travis actually is - and how this era has impacted his community. How very Barbie movie of me!
“Travis is a huge (literally) sporting superstar. In American Football you are either a very big guy that runs very fast and catches the ball, or an incredibly huge guy who tries to knock people over… there’s also small, frail Europeans who kick because Americans, famously, cannot kick. Kelce is both – an enormous man (6ft 5 - 250lbs) that runs, catches and knocks you over. He is simultaneously frightening and excellent. He plays tight end (for a chad sport there are a lot of suggestive names: “tight end”, “wide receiver”, “gunners and jammers”) for the Kansas City Chiefs, the best team in recent years, largely because of him and his mate, quarterback Patrick Mahomes. Together they have won it all and, in the process, dislodged from the top the unbearably handsome Tom Brady - probably contributing to his divorce with Gisele as he chased one last unreachable chance of glory. They are unquestionably the best thing to happen to Kansas since Dorothy clicked her heels.
Travis Kelce dating Taylor Swift his has been a disaster for straight men who like to watch sport. Every game he plays, whenever he touches the ball, the camera pans to Swift grinning. Then the commentators say something dumb and unfunny. And because Kelce is good and catches the ball a lot, this happens enough times to get really annoying, quickly.
Two other weird things have happened: First, Swifties have invaded straight male Twitter (X), flooding timelines with historic Kelce tweets and speculating on elements of his life none of us care about. We will cope. But we can’t get our heads around the second, much more important thing: Kansas City has started losing games and Kelce hasn’t been quite as brilliant as before. This leaves us with three questions:
Is there a Taylor Swift curse?
How can it be lifted?
Will she do a duet with Usher at the super bowl halftime show?”
Pertinent questions indeed. Everybody pour one out for the straight men!
Beth’s take: (Julia) Fox News / taking pride in your own work
“I have a few highlights this year, two of them courtesy of the realest bitch alive, Ms Julia Fox. At the start of the year, she served up a steaming hot plate of realness in the form of her “very underwhelming apartment tour”, which saw her guide us round her small (but pretty big for NYC, come on!) flat full of shoeboxes and kids toys. In the paraphrased words of Ms Emotional Spec herself: celebs, they - really are - just like us. And then, by the years end Julia served again, this time with a “what’s in my bag”, which saw her pull out, among many other things, a half-eaten Snickers. What. A. Fucking. Queen.
Other highlights include Taylor Swift screaming the words to her songs in a screening of her Eras Tour Concert movie. As a filmmaker who has just shown a short film in front of a room full of human people, I only wish I could have that much fun watching my own work. A total icon. Also, this didn’t happen this year, but I learnt this insane information in 2023 so it counts: NORA EPHRON’S SON is the lead guitarist for Taylor Swift’s band. Let that one sit… There has to be a romcom plot in this. Hollywood, get to stepping.”
EMOTIONAL SPECULATION’S BEST POP CULTURE MOMENT OF THE YEAR
I thank my contributors for their words and the welcome additions they have made to this newsletter. But the time has come to crown the best moment of the year, and, like Ru Paul, that decision is mine alone. The beady-eyed amongst you may have clocked what I’m going with right at the beginning of this newsletter (2,500 words ago lol, sorry), but for the rest of you… drum roll please….. ….. it’s the prequel to end all others, the little stealth musical that could, the candy-coated, psychedelic nightmare that is WONKA!
She’s lost it, I hear you whisper to each other. Are you sure?, one of you yells from the back. To which I reply: yes! Absolutely! I mean, come on. With all due respect to those who enjoyed it, nothing speaks more to where we are, pop culturally speaking, than this absolutely cursed fever dream of a film. A big-budget prequel no one needed, let alone asked for, that’s completely disconnected from the source material? A syrupy twee plot brought to life with Wes-Anderson-aping visuals? Timothee Chalamet – current beau of Kylie Jenner - walking down the red carpet in a lilac latex suit????
Little Timmy’s turn as the famously creepy chocolatier was heralded for months as both brilliant and charming, but I regret to inform you all that it is neither of those things. Don’t get me wrong, he was working. He may never have worked so hard in his life. He gave everything to this role - that’s plain to see. But it was giving… nothing. My dad once mistakenly called Timmy “Billy Chimple”, and as I was sitting in the cinema watching this car crash unfold, Beth turned to me and said “he’s never been more Billy Chimple than in this film”. A quietly damning review if ever I heard one. Thank God he’s got Dune 2 coming out soon so he can recover from this purple-soaked low point, that’s all I’ll say (although many other far more “reputable” outlets, like the Guardian, disagree with me, so I doubt Timmy is thinking of this in terms of recovery anyway).
The press cycle for Wonka has at least given us a late, great gift this year: Hugh Grant, all hint of sparkle long since faded from those baby blues, looking to camera and saying with a sigh and a grimace, “je joue l’oompa loompa”. As the only memorable song in Wonka says: there’s chocolate, and there’s chocolate. “Je joue l’oompa loompa” is pure chocolate, baby.
Christ, if you’ve made it this far you deserve a mint Bailey’s immediately. Thanks for reading this issue of Emotional Speculation – and thanks for reading, subscribing, sharing with your pals and sending me your thoughts and reactions all year round. I truly love writing this silly little newsletter, and I am v grateful that you all like reading it.
Have lovely festive breaks, glad tidings to all, rest well, etc. I’ll see you in the New Year for more gossipy goodness.
xoxo
obsessed as always!!!! in 2024 pls can you weigh in on unhinged online fandom subsections (club chalamet, gaylor, TeamEvans_13 (aka chrisevans_team13 of reddit.com/r/popculturechat/comments/yx5fse/this_letter_written_by_a_very_disappointed_chris fame) etc etc!!!!!! i need your opinions