Dear readers,
Congratulations on making it to the end of this long and chaotic year. A year of extreme weather - both the hottest summer of our lives (so far !! :) ) and the most snow London has seen (again! so far!!) - a year in which “goblin mode” was word of the year, a year of a never-ending carousel of incompetent Tories put in place to steer this wayward ship. It’s been 12 months of feverish, emotionally fraught, lockdown-less chaos - and that’s just for us, never mind the celebrities! ;P
As a little treat for you, my devoted subscribers, Emotional Speculation will be participating in the time-honoured December tradition of the round up, looking at the highs and lows of the year in pop culture, featuring some bonus contributions from some of the names you may have spotted peppering previous editions of the newsletter… so, buckle up. Here it is: 2022 in gossip.
Discourses I’m glad we (the Emotional Speculation community) sat out
At the time of sending each carefully considered, not at all random edition of this newsletter, there are about 6 other stories swirling around that I choose to leave out because they feel either too boring, too dark or too contentious. Sometimes I’ve come to regret these decisions, but here are the instances I still stand by.
James Corden, in general
I thoroughly enjoyed his Balthazar-induced comeuppance - it was truly a perfectly orchestrated, totally unexpected downfall. But at the same time, I’m frankly bored of stories about James Corden being an awful person and really didn’t want to dwell on it at the time. But I do implore you to read up on the Balthazar incident and how it unravelled, because it was an excellent use of Instagram captions.
Harry and Meghan
This surely goes without saying. No further words on the matter from me, now or ever.
Euphoria
Despite not tuning into the second season of this show on account of it being a pure, unrelenting misery-fest, I still feel like I know exactly what happened thanks to the equally unrelenting memes it produced. I don’t feel like I missed out, and I won’t be catching up. I’ll watch Zendaya act for her life in something more cheerful.
… to not partake in post-show discourse x
Selena Gomez and Hailey Bieber
Wading into Stan-generated, Justin Bieber-fuelled animosity between two women I don’t know? Couldn’t be me!
Celebrities we should leave behind in 2022
I’m putting my foot down. Enough of these men!
Scott Disick
Now that Kourtney has moved onto Travis, so should the world. Let the Lord be a thing of the past.
Matt ‘Matty’ Healy
a man who needs to be stopped!
Exactly when did this Loose Women spawn from Greater Manchester become so monstrously inescapable? And who do we have to make a deal with to reverse it? I think I speak for us all when I say don’t want to see any more fan cams of him snogging barely-legal girls on stage (although I must admit to adding a couple of those Jack Antonoff-produced new 1975 songs to some playlists this year. I’m sorry! I can’t resist his Midas touch!).
Silliest moments of the year
Those times in which everyone collectively lost their marbles, for better or worse.
‘Negroni sbagliato with prosecco in it’
I have no idea who actually watched House of Dragon, the Game of Thrones prequel, but I do know that basically the entirely world watched the press junket clip that made the show’s lead, Emma D’Arcy, a star, and sent women of varying sexualities everywhere into a dizzying tailspin. The moment died as soon as someone made a ‘negroni…sbagliato…. with prosecco in it….’ remix for people on TikTok, but it was fun while it lasted!
BARBIE the movie, by Greta Gerwig
your sleep paralysis demons coming to rollerblade back and forth over your bidy in the night
Technically this isn’t coming out until next year, but the drip feed of fever dream-like set pics earlier this year was enough to send everyone into meltdown. After seeing the Kubrick-inspired teaser trailer, which dropped this week, I’m absolutely none the wiser as to what this film could possibly be about, and you bet I’ll be going to see it. Vive le Cinema!
Pete Davidson and Emrata ‘dating’
You all know how I feel about this. Pure nonsense that we should know better than to entertain.
THE BEST POP CULTURE MOMENTS OF THE YEAR
In all caps because it’s what you’ve all been waiting (reading) for! Before I get into mine, please enjoy some contributions from my esteemed sounding board, the people who made me start Emotional Speculation in the first place and whose pithy comments have often cropped up in these emails over the year.
Poppy Trivedi, who looks at pretty pictures for a living, on the Prince of Pegging:
“In a year in which the royal family dominated the media, the moment that tops it all has to be William being coined as the Prince of Pegging. This incredible addendum to what would have otherwise being a rather dry story of an extramarital affair was just the humanising rumour our future King needed (although most definitely never wanted). This alliterative nickname was not only a new historic rival to Boaty McBoatface but was the gift that kept on giving, as people everywhere were having to explain the concept of ‘pegging’ to their parents and grandparents. It safe to say eyes were opened everywhere and with this storyline on the horizon for future seasons of The Crown, I for one cannot wait.”
Joanna Lee, queen of the eye roll, on Adam Levine being a loverat:
“As a straight woman who dates mid men, the Adam Levine saga of September 2022 really spoke to me. To recap (because there’s been A Lot Going On): Adam Levine (43), ‘human Chipotle bag’ and the man from Maroon 5, allegedly cheated on his Victoria’s Secret model wife Behati Prinsloo (34) while she was PREGNANT with their THIRD CHILD, with ‘influencer and Instagram model’ Sumner Stroh (23). Now, while sleazebag behaviour from a middle-aged man with just enough money and influence to wrangle the attention of a Hot Young Thing is not, let’s face it, news, what did set the Internet alight was just how fucking cringe these DMs were. ‘Holy fuck’, said Levine, ‘Holy fucking fuck / That body of yours is absurd’, and in a moment of beautiful synergy, I couldn’t help but recall the man who had sent me my own WhatsApp photo with the message ‘Sweet back by the way, looking great / All that crossfit’. Celebrities: they’re just like us!”
Emily Harris, who recently had a haircut, on Amanda Holden’s cry for help:
“This year Amanda Holden decided she’d make her most iconic career move since farting during her radio show in 2019. Standing in a town square in Italy, she films a video for Instagram, detailing her outfit of the day with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her forehead. “I’ve got an appointment to keep,” she tells us. “It’s not social. It’s work! But it’s gonna be fun.” There’s a sexy dress, which is famously just how she likes it, and a scarf, which she waits to whip out at the very last moment. That’s fine this time Amanda, but don’t keep the girlies waiting again!
Watching her produce this unhinged and frankly dystopian content brings me unparalleled joy. Who is it for? Is she at gunpoint? Why is her mouth always slightly ajar? Her disjointed cadence makes everything in this video feels like a clue: the pointed mention of the Gucci shoes she didn’t like, the inexplicable casting aside of her denim jacket, the complete absence of any background noise or human life. It’s all odd enough that she really might want us to put our heads together and figure out that she’s actually filming a music video with Taylor Swift or something else equally drenched in conspiracy. It’s unfortunate then that no one cares about Amanda enough to bother with solving this mystery. Hilarious video though!!
NB. I’ve since learned that this was a parody of an Instagram influencer named pattipinkcake, but that literally ruins all the fun.”
Beth Perkin, who is currently busy stanning White Lotus’ Tanya, on Hayley-Lu Richardson manifesting a friendship with Aubrey Plaza:
My favourite celebrity gossip of the year is actually quite wholesome: basically, anything to do with the cast of White Lotus having fun, sexy shenanigans in sun-drenched Sicilia. Off-screen Albie and Portia were actually hooking up? And so were Daphne and the Essex lad?! WTF. As Ms Emotional Speculation herself would say: Inject It. My favourite piece of gossip of the year, though, came straight from the horse’s mouth, so maybe can’t even be called gossip. But I love it so this is what I’m picking: Hayley-Lu Richardson, who plays Portia, out-and-out fangirled and then STALKED Aubrey Plaza in a bid for them to become friends - AND IT WORKED (I highly recommend reading the original interview in my beloved Interview Mag). So, there you have it: If I learnt anything this year, it’s follow your heart, wear double-breasted everything (thanks Aubrey) and get to stalking apparently...
Rosie Pierce, a middle child, on the year’s most talked about vitamin mishap:
“My favourite moment of the year is Kirstie Allsopp swallowing an Airpod. I don’t think I need to elaborate.”
“Credit to Apple tbh - they should use in their advertising!” - Rosie Pierce, 2022
My official best moments of 2022
The press conference given by New York City officials to address the city’s increasingly out of hand rat problem
This may seem like an unexpected choice for my second-favourite pop culture moment of the year. But, as a famed rodent hater and ardent lover of a well-crafted sentence, this particularly insane event really gripped me. And when you break it down, it really had it all: drama! intrigue! community spirit! And, of course, the best soundbites to ever come out of anything.
“This is not ‘Ratatouille’. Rats are not our friends.”
This line from Mayor Eric Adams would be iconic enough as a standalone, and you wouldn’t think it could get better. But it does! Enter: Jessica Tisch, newly appointed NYC Sanitation Commissioner, who has such a good understanding of the power of pausing for dramatic effect she could have a glittering future in reality TV presenting if she tires of the sanitation game.
“The rats are going to absolutely hate this announcement…. but the rats don’t run this city. WE DO.” Chills!
Honestly, whichever public sector office worker wrote this line for Jessica needs to be snapped up by Hollywood STAT. The line has to date inspired a million different Tiktoks, each funnier than the last, and I for one am harbouring serious hopes of a heartening Hallmark movie about Jessica Tisch, the saviour of New York City streets who unites Manhattan in the fight against over-confident rodents. Either way, 2023 looks set to be a tough old year for city rats.
Harry Styles spitting on Chris Pine
This will come as no surprise, obviously, but Harry Styles “spitting” on Chris Pine at the Don’t Worry Darling premiere was in my books the best moment of year. In fact the press rollout was arguably the best pop culture event of recent history, the likes of which we may not see again for some time, and The Spit was the perfect culmination of the whole shebang. 10/10, absolutely no notes from me, a real joy to observe from start to finish. If you’re so inclined, you can refresh your memory with my rundown of the events leading up to it here - I have nothing more to add, except that I reiterate my prior commitment to Team No Spit! Sue me!
So there you have it, here ends my final newsletter of 2022. Thank you for reading, subscribing and sharing your thoughts with me this year! I’ll see you in 2023, and until then, Merry Christmas, stay warm, and please, if you haven’t watched the White Lotus Season 2 finale, watch it NOW so you can end the year on a damn high.
xoxo,
Emotional Speculation